Whose voice are you listening to? How to interrupt overwhelm and calm the inner critic….

We spend our lives bombarded by noise and narrative. Consider external factors. This could include the news, your communications at work, your social media feeds, your e-mail inbox. I could go on….

Adding to these external factors, we also all have an internal dialogue (which adds to the overwhelm). This is often the dialogue that really heightens our arousal and spikes our anxiety.

(NB It’s a ‘dialogue’ as in psychological terms it’s the ego versus your true self. More on that another day).

Our internal dialogue shapes our thoughts, decisions, and importantly our self-perception. It’s the one voice we live with all the time.

Ultimately, that inner voice is a mental construct that reflects our insecurities, our fears and our past experiences.

Often the loudest and most persistent aspect of that inner voice is that of the inner-critic. It can be a relentless commentator that judges, critiques and tells us A LOT of stories. Becoming aware of this influence is the first step to calming its negative influence and reclaiming a kinder version of your self-talk.

The way you talk to yourself is often a lot harsher than you would talk to another human being. I hear it reflected in the comments of a lot of my clients. I’ve also been there myself (and to be honest, it’s a constant work in progress).

When I was training in rehabilitation Pilates, I was also working as a Director of Teaching and Learning in Education. I was juggling a lot of ‘plates’. I sometimes suffered with lower back pain, and my anxiety levels were high. In one session, I was performing a mat move called ‘The Corkscrew’ (quite an advanced move, to be fair). My back tweaked and caused me some mild pain.

More than that, I was overcome with emotion. I sobbed like a baby for about 5 minutes, and suddenly the room was cleared.

My tutor (who happens to be a Psychologist) having ‘brought me back to the room’ asked me if I was OK. The first words out of my mouth?

‘I’m so hard on myself’.

It’s part of my perfectionist streak, but it was also a lesson that added to my personal development and my career change. As a result, it allowed me to do the work I’m passionate about.

Perfectionism is one way that negative self-talk can manifest. It’s about setting unrealistic standards for ourselves.

This also involves being self-critical when these aren’t met (note that no one else sets these standards, but us).

Being hard on yourself isn't just a commentary either. Tension and stress can be held in the body so chronically, that they can cause disease (dis-ease).

So, in what other ways does the inner-critic manifest itself? Well, there’s Catastrophisation. This is where you imagine the worst in every situation. These could be Negative self-talk, where you berate yourself for perceived failures, and Comparison.

Comparing yourself to others is a quick way to devalue yourself, and so easily done in a world where social media is rampant with self-promotion.

So what can be done, to quieten down this internal chatter, and show ourselves more compassion? How can we soften?

1. ‘Notice that’…..(another key phrase that came out of my Polestar Training). Essentially, we have to catch ourselves in negative or incessant thinking mode. Eckhart Tolle, in his book ‘The Power of Now’ calls it ‘watching the thinker’. If you are an overthinker, once you start doing this, you’ll notice just how relentless and exhausting your self-talk can be.

2. Notice when. Are there particular times of the day, or particular ‘triggers’ that start a pattern of thinking? You can then pre-empt these.

3. Question the validity of your thoughts. Most of the time, your thoughts would not stand up in court as fact. They are nearly always made up stories. Try reframing your thoughts in a more compassionate way. For example, instead of ‘I’m no good at this’, consider ‘I’m growing and learning all the time, and can use this to find more of my key strengths’.

4. Interrupt. This is key. To get out of overthinking mode, and the heightened stress of our sympathetic nervous system, we should MOVE. But we need to move in a particular way. The first step is breath - it’s what the wonderful psychotherapist Julia Samuels, MBE calls ‘the circuit breaker’. I teach a version of ‘box breath’ which is a simple breath of 4 counts in, hold for 4, and up to 8 counts out. Any pattern where the exhale is longer than the inhale will access the parasympathetic mode.

5. Move out of your head into your body. We can do this by noticing not only breath, but where your body is in space - we call this ‘Proprioception’. It might be getting up and going for a walk without your ‘phone. Use your senses to notice what’s around you. It might be dancing to your favourite tune, tapping the body, or of course, taking a Pilates class. Pilates was my ‘circuit breaker’. It combines both breath and a mindful movement practice. This not only helps you come out of your head, but also builds strength, flexibility and mobility over time. It has ‘moved’ me on a personal level through anxiety, career change, back pain and breast cancer.

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At the end of the day, you have to live with the voice in your head. Therefore, ensure that voice is a kind one.